PRAYER TO THE TILES ON MY BEDROOM FLOOR
Once, I hated you.
Once, I wished
for your softer cousins, toothless
spreads. Once, I wanted
things you denied me: the brush
of cloth on my feet. Worship.
Submission. Apology.
You have waited me out. Made me
feel things: bones, shifting
like a sack of stones, my flesh
warm, begging for relief
from your frigid, hard limbs.
You unforgiving son of
yourself. How is it
that you have no shadow, no echo
of your body that begs to leave you.
All day, you’d leave
your footprints
on the soles of my feet. You never offered
yourself up to be held. I could touch you
without being touched. But in the nights,
if I laid my body down on you,
you’d kiss me. All of me. You were faceless,
nameless, save what you stood
for. And yet, I saw none of myself
in you. Just this grey, hazy
blur, vague enough to love
and be loved. You were unchanging
for my comfort. Unyielding. You
demanded my yield to find
the parts of me
I love most, lose
all else. So often, I’ve lowered
myself down on you.
I’ve stayed
until I felt nothing of me.
Lost the part that was feeling too.
No one left to make sense of us.
I KEEP MY NAILS
I keep my nails
away from myself. Like a secret
I’m not allowed
to hear. Like all secrets, it’s all
I’ve ever wanted. I keep my nails
cut at the root. A secret from
itself. Like everything
I’ve ever wanted. I keep my nails
clawing. Into the edges
first. Then the tender
wounded parts, where blood seeps out
like a dead man’s piss. Rotting
into itself, a secret never told,
which is everything I’ve ever
wanted. I keep my nails
clean. Dig out the pieces
of rusted blood and blooded
skin afterwards. Bruised blood
bruising the horizon
where skin folds into
keratin. Tainted
like a secret, which is all
I’ve ever wanted. I keep my nails
hidden. A secret
from myself. Like everything
I’ve ever wanted.
***
Shreya Vikram is a writer and artist based in India. She is the recipient of the Dorothy West Scholarship 2020. Her work is forthcoming in Ruminate, Salmon Creek Journal, GHLL and elsewhere. You can find more of her writing at shreyavikram.com
